My mom gave me some Vicodin and i’m trying so hard not to take all of them right now holy shit I have missed this buzz so much.
You accept me for who I am. You let me call you and go on a rant for fifteen minutes about my roommates or whatever bullshit that happened that day. You let me yell and curse and be ridiculous. You tell me how beautiful I am everyday, several times a day. You call me, and you just want to ask how my day was and you just genuinely want to hear my voice. You are the sweetest man I have ever known. You came into my life when I was contemplating suicide again and you got me through it without realizing. With all the bad in the world, and all the things tearing away at me, at the end of the day I fall asleep to the sound of your voice, and all the monsters fade away. You make me feel better from over 200 miles away than any of my exes ever have from being a foot away. You are so amazing, but I’m really scared my past is going to make opening up to you and letting you in impossible.
I wonder how many people will say “good riddance” once I finally kill myself.
Telling you you’ve never left my mind for the last 7 years was probably the biggest mistake of my life because now you’re using it against me because your marriage is failing and you know I care about you too much to let you feel bad. All I’ve wanted for 7 years was for you to tell me you cared about me in that way and I finally got over you and it and then, despite the ring on your finger, you told me you’re crazy about me. Fuck.
The more time goes by the more I feel myself wanting to become distant. My head is fucking with me. It’s convincing me you’re just playing me, you don’t actually like me, you don’t want to be with me. But who would drive up and down Florida just to play someone? Who would spend the money you’ve spent just to see someone if they didn’t actually care? I’m going fucking insane.